05 2 / 2013

We resume at Brandi’s Stripper/Slutfest where Marisa is very not into the whole thing.  She doesn’t think stripping is sexy, she thinks making your own money and being successful is sexy (she finds it to be an aphrodisiac?).  Translated: Marisa can’t pole dance and is short and not sexy and is very mad at the whole thing.

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Anyways, everyone gets a turn stripping.  Kyle loves the attention and actually looks pretty good doing it but WHO CARES BECAUSE SAINT CAMILLE GRAMMER IS GETTING DOWN THREE FEET TO THE LEFT.  It has been too long since I have seen you shimmy Saint Camille Grammer.  If I ever forget why I worship you I will watch one of your various dance sequences.  Heaven.

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(Ain’t no shame in being perf)

Meanwhile, back in the BH, Ogre is having a meeting with some designers who are helping her expand her Ogre empire from shoes to handbags.  This scene could not be any more interesting.  I am so interested in your Ogre handbags Adrienne, please tell me more! Oh and you’re going to put your name all over them! How cool! Oh and you’re gonna mix all the letters around like that! Wow! Just wow!  Oh and while you’re at it you’re going to demean Brandi’s stripper class? Well fuck you Adrienne, I’d rather go to Brandi’s hooker class than buy one of your Ogre bags any day.

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(You should start a shirt line too so I can look just like that ^^^ !!!)

Now despite much protesting, Your Highness Vanderpoomp will get up on that Vanderpole and shake what her mother gave her.  And she looks fantastic.  On the other pole, Giant Blonde Thing is actually not being the worst and is having fun with the whole thing, but then she starts throwing her whole body around and someone get her off that pole before she takes the whole place down.

Marisa pole dances.  If you could call it that.  Let’s just say it’s a very painful experience for everyone.

Everyone gets a stripper diploma!  Yay!  I mean, it’s probably the first diploma a lot of these women have actually gotten.  Except Camille, she studied English, remember? No? Well fuck you you are pernicious.

Kim calls Kyle and tells the whole limo on speakerphone that she’s getting a nose job but all I can pay attention to is that Kyle has Chanel logos on every single one of her nails and has a Chanel phone case and PLEASE KYLE open your boutique already so I can achieve your remarkable level of taste!

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(PLEASE TELL ME BOUTIQUE LA KYLE WILL CARRY CHANEL PRESS-ONS!)

Speaking of Kim’s nose job, Kim’s gonna get a nose job now!  She’s so crazy man. The doctor asks her if she has any questions which is when a normal person would ask about the surgery you know?  Kim is like “Did you have a good weekend? How was your morning? Are you having  beautiful day?” and I don’t think that’s what he meant Kim.  Oh Kim.  Perpetually stuck in childhood.

Meanwhile at Office D’Ogre, Mr. Ogre needs to get his back treated.  He says he’s getting “Laser Hair Removal” but we all know he’s getting descaled.  Ogres have scaly backs and once every few months they must get descaled so they can continue to masquerade as homo sapiens.

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(Now you’ll need to come back in two months or else your true skin will begin to show)

Kim emerges from surgery fucked up for the first time in a long time.  She’s alone and it’s sad.

Back in Vegas all the girls are gonna meet up for a dinner party because that’s an awesome idea.  Dinner parties always end up so well with this group.  Especially when they start with wine glasses filled almost to the brim.  So everyone comes to this dinner party, and Brandi makes some comment about Saint Camille Grammer doing porn and Camille takes it well because she’s perfect.

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(Love Housewives Dinner Parties yeah!!!)

Marisa spills wine on herself AWWWWWW =( =( =(

Everything is going well for a while and then we start talking about Kim’s surgery and whether or not she’ll take pain medication.  The girl from Celebrity Rehab Halfway House who’s been around a lot lately shares her opinion and it’s all very boring.  Yolanda has an opinion as well.  Whatever.

Then Camille brings up Adrienne.  Why did you do that Camille?  Camille seriously? Why did you do that? That’s not very saintly of you Saint Camille Grammer.  I seriously have to hear more about this?  Brandi starts telling the story we all know already and Yolanda tries to squash the whole thing so point to Yolanda (Yolanda’s point tally: 1). Celebrity Rehab girl tells us she overheard Adrienne tell Brandi to join team Anti-Lisa on the reunion and Brandi says Camille knew all about Adrienne’s Ogre Plan to form team Anti-Lisa and go against Lisa at the reunion!  Yes these are adults.  I know, it’s hard to believe but these are grown women.

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(Love the air quotes babe)

Camille explains that Ogre was mad because Your Highness Vanderpoomp called her shoe a hoof and SERIOUSLY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT?  Lisa has bigger fish to Vanderfry however.  She wants Camille to admit that Ogre tried to vet Camille to her Anti-Lisa team.  Camille will not admit it.  She does not remember saying that.  Brandi says she said it, Camille says she didn’t.  Camille says she knew nothing about this meeting.  Camille is getting mad at Brandi now.  Things are heating up in the Housewives kitchen yes let’s fight it’s been too long!

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(This was exactly what I looked like watching this episode)

So Camille starts going off on Brandi and being really defensive and it really makes you look like you’re lying Camille.  She then starts saying “I can handle you, but I won’t stand for it” to Brandi ad naseum and then storms out?  A little dramatic, no Camille? Is something in the water tonight? My opinion here is that Camille absolutely knew but she doesn’t want to say it on camera because she has some kind of loyalty to Adrienne.  And I get that girl, but you need to do a better job of lying, because this whole fit you’re throwing isn’t working for you.

Camille re-enters and she and Brandi start shrieking at each other.  Camille tries to explain that Ogre was very Ogre mad at Lisa because Pandora had her bachelorette party at a hotel that was not her Ogre hotel (still holds the trophy for stupidest Housewives fight ever) and then Brandi is like “She only Ogre-owns 2% of the hotel so fuck her.”  Not relevant at all but I’ll always appreciate a nice jab at the Ogre.  Kyle starts being like “THAT IS MEAN BRANDI” because Kyle is never mean and then Lisa is like “Why do you always defend the Ogre and not me?”  Kyle handles this very valid point by ignoring it and all of a sudden accuses Brandi of having a nose job and that’s not mean at all right Kyle?

Now something really disturbing happens and two of my favorite people from the Housewives universe start fighting for absolutely no reason.  And I hate to choose sides here because I adore both of you but why Camille?  Why all of a sudden try to belittle Lisa’s ownership of her restaurants?  Aren’t you trying to prove the point that you shouldn’t be discussing Adrienne’s stake in the Palms?  And the way you’re going to prove that point is go after Lisa for the same thing?  Not cool Camille.  Two wrongs do not a right make.  Also, don’t go after the Queen.  Just don’t do it.  It never ends well.  Besides, owning 51% of something and owning 2% of something are entirely different things.  

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(Not a good look sweetcheeks)

Ken is at home drinking alone and feeding his dog alcohol and it’s all very Vanderperfect.

Back at the table of fun, Kyle is inserting herself into le dramz and Yolanda is like “shut up Kyle, this is none of your business and you keep repeating your stupid opinion and it’s annoying” and point to Yolanda (Yolanda point tally: 2).  Kyle and Lisa then start arguing about who’s more fair, and all of sudden Camille is yelling at Yolanda and what’s up with you tonight Camille?  She and Brandi then start getting into it again, but Yolanda has to leave because her husband has sent the private jet and the private jet has suddenly arrived and everyone must go get on it now!  

Brandi and Camille then have it out a little more at the door and it’s like a broken record and Camille is mad so she leaves and FINI DINNER PARTY.  That was a success!

Meanwhile at Casa de Kim, Kyle arrives in a green jumpsuit with an embellished white and gold belt and someone seriously get this woman a stylist.  She’s checking in on Kim post surgery.  They talk a lot about Kim’s sobriety ZZZZZZZ…..

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(This is the exact opposite of what I looked like watching this episode)

Now there’s a montage that switches between Kyle and Kim talking about Vegas and Lisa and Ken talking about Vegas.  They discuss the whole evening, and Lisa is mad because Kyle defends everyone except Lisa and that is completely true and watcha gotta say bout DOT KYLE? Why don’t you Vanderdefend Your Highness Vanderpoomp you little tacky thing you?  Kyle is defending her position by saying how hard it is to have to talk about the Adrienne/Brandi situation all the time and if you would like to continue dis pity party Kyle I will PO YOU SOME O DAT TEA PLAYGIRL.  POOR YOU KYLE! I am so sorry you have to discuss the thing that you consistently bring up at every social event.  And this point that you’re making about how you’re mad that Lisa always defends Brandi whenever it’s brought up is retarded because you do the exact same thing with Adrienne.  Go home Kyle, you are guilty of so many kinds of hypocrisy.  

So we leave this episode and I’m shocked and saddened.  I’m shocked that Yolanda is walking out of this episode with a positive point tally and I’m saddened that Saint Camille Grammer and Your Highness Vanderpoomp came to blows.  Contrary to the title of this blog I know you have not fallen, you have merely misstepped.  You can fix this Camille, I love you and will forgive you for tonight, but I think you owe Lisa a Vanderapology I’d appreciate it if it was done publicly and in the form of dance.imageimage

  1. bonerpoetry posted this